Miracles are real

That day she finally talked about the things that always haunted her; the fears that always followed her; the moments of the past that still brought tears to her eyes. People always told her that opening up to someone would make it easier for her. But it’s easier said than done. Opening up was hard because she had learnt to shut up. She had learnt to not say the things she actually wanted to and say the things they wanted to hear. After many years when she finally got to pour her heart out, her mind refused to do it.

But she wasn’t always like this. She was actually the exact opposite. She liked to talk; loved to have variety of conversations with a variety of people. She shared her views and came up with innovative ideas. She was creative, innocent, active, always on her toes. But time snatched it all away. She turned quiet, learned to only listen when having a conversation; stopped sharing her views and ideas. But not many people noticed. To her utter dismay the one person she hoped would notice simply didn’t have to time to listen to what she has to say. So she simply stopped saying it. She learnt pretty quickly that the world doesn’t give a damn to what she thinks, how she feels.

So she kept everything hidden. The only thing which actually knew her was probably her diary. The diary that listened to everything she had to say and never asked her to stop talking (writing). And so many of her fantasies, wishes, beautiful ideas and the worst of pains stayed hidden in that little bunch of papers. But she never complained. She changed her lifestyle but still enjoyed the little moments of joy that life offered her.

The most important thing of all was the people in her life - her friends, her family. They saw her transformation. Tried to help her in whatever way they could. Unfortunately there wasn’t much they could do apart from just being there with her. She had to go through that transformation alone. Through all this darkness, she still had hope; that one day things would change. And she would get to be the person she once was. She wouldn’t have to hide. She waited for that day; waited for a miracle.

After years of darkness came the light. The miracle she was waiting for had arrived. It came in the form of her daughter. Who unlike everyone else saw the world differently and saw her mother for who she was; and saw what lay behind the face that the world saw. Her daughter was there to listen, to comfort and to offer the shoulder that she always wanted.

So that day she opened up. She talked about the things that haunted her, the past that disturbed her. She found a person who brought out the old her. And that day she poured her heart out, she cried, she laughed, she yelled, she whispered, she let everything out. Surprisingly, she found herself believing what people said: Opening up made things easier. You just had to wait for the right person to open up to; believe that miracles do happen and that life isn’t all darkness.

Undoubtedly that became the best day of her life. The day her life completely turned around. She wasn’t afraid anymore. She wasn’t going to stay quiet anymore. And she definitely wasn’t going to hide anymore.

Living on the edge

What do people mean to us? Do we value them enough? Do we realize how many people are striving for us? How many people are working outside of their comfort zone, just to make sure we are comfortable? Starting from our parents, siblings, teachers, the conductors in the bus to the Indian Army, a great deal of people are helping us take our steps towards success. All in their own unique way. How often do we think about them? The people who are not your parents or relatives but still consider you their family. The people who consider the whole of India as their family.

Stories are not enough. They might never be enough. Even songs don’t have that effect. That effect after seeing your soldiers. The feeling you get after listening to patriotic songs is just the trailer. The real feeling is larger, greater and incomparable to anything. Seeing the camouflage uniform on people from YOUR country, protecting YOU, makes your heart fill with warmth and pride. Even greater is the pride of seeing people who speak the same language as you in that uniform. The joy on their faces when you talk to them in their mother tongue in a place where people speak a language you don’t understand, is mesmerizing. You might even see a tiny drop of joyful tears in their eyes, which ironically brings a smile to your face.

The opportunity of going to Thang, gave me this experience. It is because of our people, our armed forces that we proudly walk along the border of our country without a single trace of fear and watch with glistening eyes as the flag flutters mightily on the border.  Statements like “Our flag does not flutter because of the wind. It flutters because of the last breath of our soldiers", brings uncontrollable tears to your eyes. So courageous are those people who proudly paint on stones “You are under enemy observation”; not being even a bit afraid of the enemy.

Because they live for their country and die for their country. It crushes you from inside. It breaks your heart.

But at the same time fills you with immense pride.

That is the Indian Army for us.

They die for us and we live for them.

Wondering why I decided to post this now? Because I don't need an occasion to think about the Army. 

The Ladakh Hangover

Remember that hollow in the pit of your stomach on the last day of school? The months you spend after that talking continuously about your school; or spending days in complete in silence? You feel like crying but tears never leave your eyes because the wonderful memories always make you smile. You are stuck between being sad and happy.

The 13 days trip to Ladakh with 11 amazing people has got me stuck in the same situation again. I miss them terribly and that makes me cry. But all the wonderful moments with them makes me smile, even laugh at times; at completely random times. Everything reminds me of them. Pictures, roads, songs, people, absolutely everything!! I spent hours in the days to come trying to relive those moments; listening to the songs we heard there, going through pictures. But I didn’t want to do it alone. I wanted to listen to those songs with THEM and only them, not with anyone else. I wanted to click many more pictures with them. After spending 24 hours of 13 days with them I felt like I’ve known them forever. But now it feels like maybe I didn’t spend enough time with all of them. If now someone asks me if I would like to spend another 13 days with them, I would say yes within half a second. Now it feels like there are many more things I would like to know about them; many hours I would like to spend talking to them.

On the 13^th day of the trip, I was distraught. I think everyone was and we all dealt with it in different ways. We all knew we were going to miss each other. But at the beginning of the day we had huge smiles on our faces, trying to cheer each other up. Some were reminiscing those past days and others were shouting at them to stop because it was too emotional.  We didn’t want it to end ever, but knew that it was not possible. We will have to go back someday. And that someday had arrived. We landed in Pune, still refusing those tears to escape our eyes. Laughing at jokes, remembering the old ones and making new ones. And no one cried. All were happy yet sad.

Days after that were harder than I knew. I woke up the next day panicked that my roommates were nowhere to be seen and then realized I was back home. It struck like lightning that I would not be greeted in the morning by those 11 faces- some smiling, some grumpy and some purposely trying to be annoying. Those days were gone. So quickly? I wanted it all back. I wanted those people back. The next day I spent in complete daze thinking only about Ladakh. My family was shouting at me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. It was the weirdest feeling in the world. And everyone was feeling it. "I have to get back to my routine", said my brain; "I have to get back to ladakh", said my heart.

That trip left a huge mark on my soul. It brought out the best and the worst in me. It gave me an insight into the deepest corners of my heart. It brought out the real me. I did things I never dreamt of doing. I saw things that were mesmerizing, overwhelming. The views were so amazing they made us cry. The shades of blue, green, brown and grey which we watched with glistening eyes. Now it was all gone. And it would never come back. I would never sing those songs with them. I would never make jokes with them in those beautiful mountains again. It was a hangover worse than that of alcohol. It was going to stay for days, months, maybe even years.

“Zindagi ke safar mein guzar jaate hain jo maqam, woh fir nahi aate, woh fir nahi aate.”

The person who helped you find peace

Peace. It’s just a simple word; yet the hardest thing to find. You think it’s simple to gain peace, just sit quietly and you’ve done it. But unfortunately it doesn’t go that way. Maybe you will find quietness. You might even think you have found peace, but you will soon realize that you are wrong. Very wrong. Because there is no sound around you but there is chaos in your mind, in your heart…and it’s not easy to escape it. And you realize you have no peace at all. It takes more than absence of noise to find it. And the search for it begins: in every small thing. It might be music or books or even sports. Yes, sports, because peace is not absence of noise or sound. Peace is being at complete ease with yourself. Peace is absence of disturbance. Peace is tranquility. But why is it hard to find?

Many a times we are disappointed for we do not find peace in the things we hoped for. That’s because you can’t be yourself at home or work or with your friends. They have expectations from you and you feel the unnecessary obligation to fulfill all the expectations. Your family expects you to score well, get a good grade, settle down etc. Friends expect you to always be there for them. Some even turn out to be so selfish that they actually exploit you as if it is their right. And at work, well of course they have expectations from you. They are looking for profits; not sentiments. You get crushed under the wheel of expectations. Too dramatic? I think not. For at one point in time we all go through it. Some know it; some don’t. You feel helpless. Even useless at times, like you don’t matter to anyone. Like no one cares. And peace? You have long forgotten about it. You conclude that there is no such thing as peace.

But then comes a ray of hope – the silver lining in your black life. It may be a person, an incident, a good book or even an inspiring movie. You accept that there is a different way of looking at things. You believe that perspective can change your life. And it’s all because of that one person. He changes your life even faster than you can blink your eyes. Even before you know it your life has already taken a good turn. You don’t even realize it but you find peace. Peace doesn’t come to you. You have to find it. You have to accept things as they are. No complaints, no demands. Only gratification. And you find peace; in the smallest of things. Where you have actually been looking all your life – in music, in books, in your passion, in your hobbies. You learn how to channel you stress, how to maintain the pressures on you.

With him you can never have quietness. He will always do something or say something. But you will still be happy. Happier than ever before. And no. He's not you knight in shining armor. He's a friend. And at that moment there's no one who can take his place. You find pleasure even in noise. You find tranquility even in crowd and chaos. You find Peace.

And it’s all because of one person. Just one. The funniest part is – he doesn’t even know he made such a great impact. He is oblivious to it all. You start believing again because of him. But he doesn’t know it. And he never will; you will never tell him. Because you don’t want seem too sentimental or desperate or even fake. So you decide to keep the secret with you. And that secret will be buried with you.

But he helped you find the meaning of life and you will forever be grateful to him. Maybe forever without him knowing. At times you even think of telling him, but then you back off because of the fear of losing whatever friendship you have with him. And you are back to the point where you contemplate about telling him. You decide to tell him one day but also decide that today is not the day.